Finally Pregnant Thanks to Letting Go of the Desire for a Child

Dear doctor,

My husband and I have been trying to conceive for 7 months now, but every month it's the same. My entire daily routine revolves around my cycle. In the first phase, I calculate ovulation and focus solely on the fertile window. Then, around ovulation, the pressure becomes overwhelming, and I try to have intercourse as much as possible to maximize our chances. After that, there's the waiting, the hope, and finally, when my period comes, it's always disappointment and sadness. It's a never-ending cycle. My friends and family keep telling me to 'let go' and that it'll happen when I stop thinking about it, but I just can't seem to let go. My mind is constantly consumed by the idea of conceiving, and it's starting to affect my relationship. How can I really let go and stop letting the desire for a child control my life?

Odette, 31 years old *name anonymised

couple celebrating the positive pregnancy test

Dear Odette,

Thank you for reaching out, and I truly understand the frustration you're experiencing. It can be incredibly challenging to be stuck in this cycle of hope and disappointment each month, and the pressure you're putting on yourself can feel overwhelming. Many women, like you, face exactly this situation.

First, it's important to know that what you're feeling is completely normal. The desire to become a mother can quickly turn into an obsession, especially when it seems out of our control. It’s also understandable to feel disappointment every time your period arrives, which only reinforces the idea that you must succeed in conceiving.

However, it’s also true that constant stress—due to planning, worrying, and fearing failure—can paradoxically become an obstacle to conception. Studies have shown that stress can interfere with hormonal cycles and affect fertility, making the process even more difficult. When your mind and body are in a constant state of alert, it becomes harder to relax and let nature take its course.

Letting go is not easy,

and I understand that you're feeling trapped in this endless cycle. Here are some practical tips to help you begin this process in a gentler, less frustrating way:

1. Accept the process with kindness: You don’t need to control everything. It’s normal to want a baby, but it’s also important to recognize that this process can take time, and some aspects are beyond your control. This doesn’t mean you won’t do everything possible, but rather that you accept there are unpredictable elements.

2. Reduce the pressure: Instead of focusing solely on fertility days, try to give your relationship space to grow without it being defined solely by the desire for a child. Reconnect with your partner in ways that aren’t tied to conception. This can help reduce anxiety.

3. Create space for other activities: In addition to relaxation or mindfulness exercises, engage in hobbies or projects that are unrelated to conception. This can help restore balance in your life. When your mind is occupied with other joys, the waiting becomes less burdensome.

4. Practice mindfulness: There are many simple techniques, such as meditation or breathing exercises, that help calm the mind and ease tension. These moments of mental calmness will help lighten the weight of waiting.

5. Consider seeking external support: If the pressure feels too heavy, it might be helpful to talk to a professional—whether it's a therapist or a fertility counselor. This can offer you a fresh perspective on the situation and help you manage the emotional aspect of your journey.

   
   

It’s completely normal to find it difficult to let go, but many women ultimately conceive once they find balance between their desires and the need to relax. Take care of yourself, and remember that conception is only one part of the journey.

I wish you lots of strength and serenity on this path. You are not alone in this journey.

Best wishes,

Dr. Sandra Yene Amougui